Middle Way Management and the Magic Mirror

In my last post, I considered Middle Way Management™, creativity, and innovation. The discussion was centered on how you are able as a Middle Way Manager™ to relieve team member suffering by fostering creativity and encouraging innovation, even when the organizational environment doesn't necessarily promote expansive innovation. In the end, creativity and innovation are where you find them. In this post, I present the "Magic Mirror"--the one in which we see ourselves reflected when we form opinions about others.

I Hate When He Does That!
Have you ever found yourself being irritated by a team member's behaviors and you're not really sure why? Whenever this happens, an interesting phenomenon that I like to call the "Magic Mirror" is at play. In short, you are seeing in others that which you detest in yourself. Well, detest may be too strong a word, yet it can be accurate depending on your level of irritation. You are agitated in this way because you know at the subconscious level that your judgments about the team member's behaviors are a reflection of how you feel about yourself when you are at your most unflattering.

The Magic Mirror is a wonderful thing because it allows us to catch ourselves in the act of judging someone else. This is the key to mindful awareness. When you find that you are catching yourself more and more, it means your Middle Way Management sensibilities are becoming finely tuned and energized. This is a good thing. What may not be so good is the fact that when you catch yourself in this way, you have already spent valuable time and energy thinking about someone else's behaviors, behaviors you largely cannot control, in negative and non-productive ways.

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall...
The Magic Mirror is a valuable tool you can use any time during your Middle Way Management practice. I actively use this tool on a daily basis. I'm currently working a contract on which a person I regularly find extremely irritating also works. Yet, is he really that irritating? Other team members seem to enjoy his company. I mostly do not. I recently caught myself judging his behaviors and realized I was most annoyed with his "steamroller" behavior, which I interpreted as downright rude. He talks a lot and rarely listens. Very irritating. Aha! Perhaps this is something I recognize in myself that I diligently work to manage on a daily basis. Perhaps I feel, deep down, that I've not yet mastered this trait in myself. Hmm...

My way of interacting with this person has been to make a conscious effort at practicing patience, compassion, and empathy. One thing that he has stated repeatedly is that he is new in the role he has assumed within our team (project manager). His job is a tough one and I truly believe he is suffering on several levels. His antidote to relieve his own suffering is to do "something, anything" and to do it loudly. While this may not be the most effective approach, I must recognize that he is doing what he can (without using Middle Way Management principles) to choke down his own fear and panic on a minute-by-minute basis. I must honor the fact that he has not given up and is trying to do the best job he can under the circumstances.

It's a Constant, Evolving Process
Do I always act with compassion and empathy toward my fellow team member? I certainly do not. Middle Way Management is a practice and, hence, a process that does not present a clear terminal point where I can say with confidence, "Okay, I've achieved the status of Middle Way Manager--what's next?" I am always becoming a Middle Way Manager and it's in this becoming that I must find ways to practice the principles to the best of my limited abilities. I must remain mindfully aware that whenever irritation or agitation arise in me, I am seeing what I judge to be a bit of myself in others and my ego is somehow involved in the transaction. What is it about these behaviors that causes me so much suffering?

At the root of the Magic Mirror lies a bruised or insulted ego. As I observe the behaviors of the person I described above and become irritated, it is because my ego has been hurt by what I perceive to be his basic lack of decency (an unfair judgment about him). Really, it's not about him, it's about me in two ways: 1) I see someone behaving in ways that I've recognized in myself and tried diligently to change - how can he not do the same? and 2) When he does steamroll me, it hurts because my ego feels undervalued and "stepped on."

This gets back to my earlier post on Middle Way Management and the Self. The ego wants to remain vital and important at all costs. If I choose to let my colleague's behaviors slide with an understanding and compassionate response, the ego loses power. And that's not in the game plan of the ego. No, the ego wants me to judge and be reactive, even in negative ways. The ego doesn't care what kind of attention is drawn to me because any attention is good attention. As a Middle Way Manager, I must reject this approach to attention and conduct myself with all the humility and grace my colleague deserves.

It's Not Easy
Is all of this easy to accomplish? Like most Middle Way Management characteristics, it is not. All I can do is my best on a daily, hourly, even minute-by-minute basis to make myself a better Middle Way Manager, a better team member, and a better person. In doing this, I've helped relieve my colleague's suffering and I've relieved suffering at the organizational level because I've had a hand in creating a positive Ripple Effect that is sure to radiate out into the organization and the world at large.

Next time you catch yourself being irritated with someone, stop and question why it is happening. Then, congratulate yourself for practicing the kind of mindful awareness that is the foundation of your Middle Way Management practice. Heck, if you want, you can even say to yourself, "Today, I am a Middle Way Manager!"

In my next post, I will consider the crucial role your values play in your daily walk down the Middle Way Management path.

Until then...

Onward! Darin

MWM Practice Point, 7/22/2009:

As an addendum to this post, I thought I'd follow up on how I applied this topic in the workplace today. The person I mentioned above showed up characteristically 15 minutes late and interrupted me mid-sentence, talking loudly about something completely unrelated to what I was explaining to the group. My response was to stop talking and wait patiently for the conversation to return to my topic. It never did - and that was okay.

During the course of the meeting, I took the effort to ask clarifying questions of this person. I find that these sorts of questions - non-confrontational, seeking information only - are the best way to honor what the person is saying by showing interest and seeking clarity with the intent of precise communication. This also helps me to understand the real point and motivation behind what someone is saying. In the case today, this tactic settled things down and brought out fine points and details that might otherwise have remained hidden.

Toward the end of the meeting, he stated that "someone here has a trust issue and feels he needs to do everything himself." Well, this person was me. I work in a highly technical position and my technical co-worker on this contract has gone out to have a little monkey. Unfortunately, I am the only person who has the expertise in the group at this time to handle the extraordinary technical demands of the project. So, rather than take it personally and let ego take over the interaction, I simply asked for clarification by saying, "What are you perceiving in my behavior that you interpret as a lack of trust?" In every instance he mentioned, I was able to ask, "Who in this group has the technical expertise to help me out? I WANT help, I NEED help!" It became clear that my non-trust was actually a non-issue. Concern resolved.

In the end, I found myself being thankful for having had the opportunity to practice what I preach today. Walking the Middle Way Management talk is the only way to go!

DRM

Copyright © 2009, Darin R. Molnar, PhD. All rights reserved.